An Introduction
By Satan | October 16, 2007
I’ll be seeing you again soon.
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The Glory of Heaven
By God | August 17, 2007
Nah, not that baloney about angels and thrones and all that stuff. I want to talk to you about the real glory of heaven. Or of the heavens to be more accurate.
The universe is absolutely crammed full of the most incredible things you could imagine. I tell you, if I had created the universe it would have been a much duller place. I just wouldn’t have been able to think up all this quality shit.
Check this out. The pic has become known as “The Pillars of Creation”. Huge columns of gas and dust in the Eagle Nebula where new stars are being born.
And how about this one? The dots and smudges you see are not stars. They are galaxies. Each dot or smudge is an island universe of perhaps 100 billion or 200 billion stars, many like our sun.
Can you imagine that? Can you get your head around the scale of it all?
There’s no need to make up weird stuff. There’s plenty of it about in the real world if you look. Things to fill you with wonder and awe. Things to make your heart feel as if it could burst from the sheer joy and thrill of being alive and being a part of it all.
Who needs superstition?
Spend a few moments away from the porn sites and Myspace. Search for things like “hubble images” and “astronomy photographs”. Just have a look.
And no I won’t link for you. Get of your fat arses and search. Don’t forget that Sloth is still a sin - even under my enlightened rule.
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The Truth About the Bible
By God | August 17, 2007
I’ve been reading the blasted thing and there is a generous measure of absolute bullshit doing a fine job of obscuring what truth there is supposed to be in there.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a best-seller for no reason. It’s got loads going for it: orgies, debauchery, murder, rape, magic, demons, evil empires, brave warriors all sorts of fine stuff that certainly gives The Lord of the Rings a run for its money. It also makes great screenplay material for big-scale movies. Old Charlton Heston made his name in biblical epic movies, you know, back in the days when he was better known as an actor than a gun nut.
Yep, it is fine stuff. But the scary thing is that some people actually consider it to be a work of historical fact. Honest, I kid you not. Quality though it is, the Bible is clearly a load of old bollocks. As a historical document it is unreliable in the extreme. As biography it is tosh.
But it is as a manual of morality that it is really outrageously fecked up. The two parts, the Old and New Testaments, are basically the case notes for a schizophrenic god. The stuff is inconsistent. What was okay under the old blood-and-thunder regime of the OT is tutted at in the NT as politically incorrect and harsh, and things that are forgiven in the NT would have got offenders stoned to death in the old book.
And it is full of the most appalling nonsense. Stuff about having faith based on nothing more than being told you should. Stuff about killing in the name of God. About homosexuality being bad. About people who don’t share your religion being fair game as slaves and objects of sexual abuse.
For My sake, don’t let religious nutters of any denomination make your laws for you. Either take My commandments direct from Me or find someone rational who isn’t afflicted by xenophobia, homophobia or material vested interest who can formulate rational, universally fair and consensually acceptable laws.
It’s not that hard. Just keep the common sense ones and throw out the ones that are based on superstition and ignorance.
By all means, make great movie adaptations of the Bible. Knock yourselves out with expensive special effects and hammed-up acting performances. If you want to, you can even get pretentious and use Aramaic, Greek or Latin for the dialogue.
Just don’t take that ludicrous shit as anything but a fairy tale.
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Boo…
By God | August 16, 2007
See? It is never safe to assume that it is safe to assume that you are safe. I’m still around, oh ye of little faith.
Yeah, yeah. Unfair blah blah. Negligent blah blah. Irresponsible blah blah…
LOOK, the last guy in the job didn’t even have the professionalism to exist. And anyway, I’ve not been absent, just quiet. Yes I know it’s not the kind of behaviour that you were expecting, but it’s in the job description. I’m supposed to move in a mysterious way, I’ve mentioned that before. I’ve also mentioned that you little buggers are pretty good at the same kind of thing. Moving in a mysterious way, I mean.
Take the USA, for example. A country that would like to be seen as defender of the weak, champion of freedom and arbiter of world values. A benevolent superpower that wants only to lead everyone to a better way of life.
A country whose government still electrocutes, poisons, hangs and shoots its citizens to death. A country where, annually, dozens of people are coldly eliminated by some of the most bizarre processes imaginable. One of the processes that strikes even omniscient little Me as mysterious is the one that involves keeping a condemned person hanging around for years in a state of abject terror and confusion. Perhaps cruel uncertainty is part of the intended punishment. You know, “Ha, the bastard doesn’t know when we’re gonna kill him, and there’s that tease with the possible commuting of sentence to screw with his head too. Ha, that’ll learn ‘im”.
No, you subhuman, redneck morons. It will not “learn ‘im”. Nor will it deter other offenders.
A divine message for the Governors and law makers: “Thou Shalt Not Kill” means YOU too, you arrogant, sanctimonious, bastards.
[Thunderclap sound effect]
Darrell Grayson was a black man killed by the State of Alabama on 26th July 2007. His conviction was unsafe, and at the time of his execution there were very serious reasons for performing a DNA test (at no cost to the state) which had some chance of casting light on his guilt or innocence. The Governor and his lackeys were determined to kill Grayson. They refused to delay his execution for the DNA test, and thus they recklessly and irresponsibly put him to death. The people of Alabama who elect murderers to office share the blame for this.
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, you motherfuckers. Remember that one?
Mr Grayson’s name above is a link. Click it and read a little about him and the shameful circumstances of his death.
This is just an example. Alabama isn’t alone in its guilt. Nor is America.
Sort yourselves out, people. You may move in mysterious ways, a bit like Me, but there’s a big difference. The difference is, I ain’t going to tolerate some of the mystery in your ways.
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Silence
By God | February 27, 2007
Yes, I’ve been quiet again, haven’t I?
Makes you nervous when I do that, doesn’t it? Especially after that telling off I gave out in My last entry here… And, by the way, those questions I mentioned will still be coming… soon.
You shouldn’t be afraid of silence, you know. Not of Mine or, indeed, of silence in general.
Being omniscient, I see loads of great quotes - and I saw this one today:
“The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.” Charles Luckman
The same is true of most countries. People are incapable of enountering a nice peaceful sonic void. Fear compels them to fill it with empty noise.
Do chill out, people. Try peace and quiet for a while. Switch off your phones, your TVs and your gobs. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Here endeth today’s lesson.
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No Safety in Numbers
By God | January 31, 2007
I am an existentialist God, you know. Well, a kind of existentialist, absurdist god, really.
I believe that everyone is responsible for his/her actions and the consequences thereof. Oh, don’t get Me wrong, there can always be mitigation but, at the end of the day, we are all responsible.
One of the things that makes Me angriest is the human tendency to pass the buck: to squirm, and finger-point and blame. This trait is particularly highly developed in politicians, but most of humanity has a natural flair for it.
The world is in trouble, and we are, collectively, responsible. Humanity is a greedy child. It consumes more than is good for it or its environment, and thus grows and grows. As it grows, its appetite increases, so it just stuffs its fat face all the faster. Want to know what’s wrong with the world? There are too many people, people. Yes, that is what I said: there are just too damned many of you. Over six billion - that’s 6,000,000,000.
Corporations love populations. The more people there are, the more potential exists for new and growing markets. But it is all crap. Consumerism, capitalism and globalisation will be the death of you or your children or your children’s children and, so long as you do nothing about it, you are to blame.
Panicky governments are just now beginning to try to impose reluctant targets with a view to limiting the damage we do, but they will be fighting all the way against corporate and political self-interest. Just as pressure from the American coal mining unions contributed to earlier US government tendency to bury its head in the sand, UK airlines are fighting a war of disinformation and political arm-twisting to protect their corporate interests at the cost of our world and that of your grandchildren.
No, I will not step in. You must sort it out yourselves. My non-existent predecessor began his career as an interventionist god, and look what happened to him. To quote the late Douglas Adams, the old guy “vanished in a puff of logic”, leaving Me to pick up the pieces.
Your homework is to think about what I have said, and to consider what you can do to make a difference.
No shirking, either. When I think you’ve had little while to think, I will be asking questions. You’d better have some answers…
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I Said, Beware My Wrath. Are You Deaf?
By God | January 25, 2007
It’s natural, I suppose, to feel a bit of an urge to test the authority of the new boss. Please take note: if that’s what’s been happening, then it’s gone too far. You will behave yourselves.
Look, I don’t want to get heavy handed and have to start dishing out warts and halitosis. I don’t want to have to mess with your TV reception, have you accumulate parking tickets, experience the inconvenience of burst shopping bags. Your lawn needn’t die, and your knicker elastic need not fail during a job interview. The choice is yours. Shape up or take the heat.
I made My preliminary list of sins quite clear, I thought. Remember THIS POST? The bit about racism and homophobia being on the naughty list? You think I posted that as a joke?
The obsolete Catholic and Anglican churches think they can impose their bigoted, fairytale-based morality on the whole of society. They claim that their mean-minded prejudice is God decreed, and on that basis they are currently trying to prevent gay and lesbian people from adopting children. What is more, they try to blackmail the secular government of the UK into granting them exemption from anti-discrimination law.
Well, screw you, you sanctimonious, pseudopiety-reeking, hypocritical scum. If there is a section of humanity from whom children should be protected, history shows that it is the Catholic clergy. To borrow and adapt a line from Pink Floyd: Hey, preacher, leave those kids alone… you fecking pervert.
Homosexuality is a sin against God, is it? That is bollocks, My poor, deluded children. Look, your illogical, irrational, inconsistent God didn’t and doesn’t exist. That’s why it was necessary for Me to step in and take over the job. Read the earlier posts.
Sheesh…
As for the racism bit… Channel 4 needs to put its house in order. Claims that one allows contestants in “reality” (”reality”! what the hell are you people on?) shows to behave like nazi thugs because it “reflects issues that society needs to face up to”, are fatuous and unconvincing. I’m omniscient, you idiots. I know perfectly well that you people will court any kind of controversy to bloat your viewer stats.
Sort yourselves out, or be sorry.
Damn… where’s the “ominous thunder” sound effect…
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*Yawn*… Ah, That’s Better
By God | January 24, 2007
It has been quiet around here, hasn’t it?
I’ve been having a bit of a rest. Just as My non-existent predecessor allegedly took a bit of a breather after creating the world, I decided it would be appropriate for Me to do the same. No, you fool, to have a rest, not to create a world. Don’t be ridiculous.
Anyway, the miracle is coming along nicely. The beard is growing in length, and has a decidedly whitish aspect, despite My youthful vigour.
Anyway, after My brief rest I went on a bit of a walkabout. You know, rubbing shoulders with the ordinary mortals again, as I do periodically. One of My sojourns took me to Dunstable, an unremarkable town in Bedfordshire. While browsing the sparse parody that has the cheek to call itself a market, I spotted a preacher giving out about second comings and salvation. I stopped to listen for a few moments, but the fellow had it all wrong. What’s more, his delivery was less sincere, and certainly less engaging, than that of the average Big Issue vendor.
I took one of his pamphlets. It was rubbish and I gave it back, offering My expert opinion of it as a piece of motivational religious PR bumf. “A bit ropey. Is that the best you can do?”, were My exact words, if memory serves.
The amateur preaching chap responded with a question of his own.
“Who do you think you are?”
I stuck My hand out. “Well actually, I’m your boss. I’m God, how do you do.”
I can only describe his reaction as insubordinate in the extreme.
Such a rude fellow. You know, if I went in for that Old Testament stuff, I’d be sorely tempted to send a plague of locusts round to decimate his garden… Or maybe a thunderbolt upside the head would teach him some manners.
But no, that was the old boss. The new one has more class than that, if I say so Myself.
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Beware My Wrath
By God | January 4, 2007
*Sigh*…
It’s going to be quite a job you know. My non-existent predecessor left things in a terrible mess.
I do fully intend to be a God of love, but you ordinary mortals really do need to get your arses in gear. No way do I plan to repeat that Biblical nonsense of mass murder by flood, and all the other unethical, insane punishment policies, but don’t let My restraint fool you into thinking that I am anything less than omnipotent. Fire and brimstone may not be My style, but if you don’t shape up you’ll soon see how I can wreak devastation with the best of ‘em.
Just check out the following list, and then decide if you dare offend Me.
Divine punishments (a sample, not a comprehensive schedule):
- Baldness
- Impotence
- Failure of one’s favourite sportsperson/team
- Persistent car trouble
- Negative property equity
- Ineptitude at golf/squash/tennis (includes any and all competitive sports)
- Public embarrasment (involuntary trouser droppage/skirt tucked into panties etc)
- Free tickets to a Bernard Manning performance
Remain calm. I know these will come as a shock, but it is within your power to avoid such divine retribution.
“What motivated this angry outburst?” I hear you ask. Look, stop denying it. I HEARD you, ok? I really did, so there’s no point acting all surprised and insisting “I never asked that,” because we both know you did, don’t we? All right. Now stop crying and blow your nose. No, not you… YOU. Yes you. Ok, that’s better. Now, where was I?
Ah, yes. What made me grumpy today… Well it wasn’t anything that actually happened today, it was that business with Mr Saddam Hussein several days ago. He was a dreadful fellow - absolutely awful. Certainly not someone you would have a beer with, or invite to a party. A very nasty man, who deserved to be punished.
That said, EVERYTHING about the way he was dealt with was wrong. Wrong to the point of being offensive, inexcusable and evil.
For a start, the Iraqi government squandered a splendid opportunity to contrast and distance itself from the brutal years of Saddam’s rule by holding back from extracting crude revenge. Murder by the state was Saddam’s trade mark. How sad that the new regime chose not to re-brand. Rather than take the bold, free thinking step of imprisoning Saddam, thus denying him martyrdom, the Iraqi government wimped-out. There was a good deal of President Bush’s influence (subtly and indirectly applied) involved in the murder of Saddam. Bush had a very personal and vindictive vendetta going on, and any penalty but death would have incurred his severe anger. There was also the even more powerful influence of Saddam’s Shia opponents who demanded vengeance.
So, yet another violent death in a region famous for it. A chance for progress thrown away. A brutal, savage, uncivilised image reinforced.
That’s bad enough, but the manner in which the murder was conducted was obscene. The victim was taunted, and his demise filmed by both official and unofficial cameramen. The official footage was blatantly edited to give the deliberate false impression of a dignified and efficient process. Crucially, sound was removed. The unofficial footage, no doubt filmed for less than honorable reasons, gave the true story.
Once again, one would surely think that bad enough. But the aftermath has been equally nauseating. Reporting of the Iraqi government’s investigation indicates that they have been more concerned with finding the person who embarrassed them by filming and broadcasting a true version of events than with addressing the actual nature of the disgusting debacle itself.
And the spineless reaction from the international community has also been depressingly, predictably sickening. The British prime minister and government failed to condemn the farce, as did the Americans - unsurprisingly.
The only British political figure of note to speak out and describe the situation as “deplorable” was the UK’s self-parodying deputy prime minister, John Prescott. Prescott is a bumbling thug of dazzling magnitude. The man is an oaf, a buffoon, but apparently he is, simultaneously, the only member of the government with the courage to make a straight, honest comment. Instead of agreeing with him, the government dismissed his words as being merely “Mr Prescott’s personal opinion”, and not the UK government’s official position on the matter.
I know I move in mysterious ways, but you people are giving Me a run for My money, and not always in a good way.
Yes. A long sermon, wasn’t it?
One way or another, though, this kind of nonsense will stop. Be warned.
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Entirely Natural, But Still Miraculous!
By God | January 3, 2007
The thinkers among you will have rejected pretty much all things supernatural when you rejected God as per Professor Dawkins’ suggestion. It is, therefore, not surprising that I have heard embarrassed mumblings of concern at My announcement that I intend to begin performing miracles. This concern is, of course, understandable. What’s the point of dismissing one supernatural deity only to adopt another.
Let me reassure you that I am an entirely natural God. You’ll find no hocus pocus and mumbo jumbo here - no, sir. I am a genuine, natural, evolved living being: a proud end product of the Darwinian process. And, if I may say so, a stunning example of gorgeous evolutionary perfection. The God thing is just a job. I have to work for a living, like every other worthwhile being.
“What’s this?” you ask, “Pride? But surely pride is a sin…”
Now look here. I am in charge now and I make the rules. Pride is no longer a sin, but false modesty is. I am, therefore, setting you a perfect example by honestly declaring the magnificence of Me.
Let me explain a few changes I have made to the sin situation. Here are a couple of lists: the first is of things which are sinful, and the second is of things which were previously regarded as sinful by most pious people, but which are now absolutely fine.
Sinful
- Sloth - but only because it is bad for your health
- Greed
- Wrath. It is bad for your health and that of others. Chill out
- Conservatism/Republicanism/any tendency that takes you too far to the political right
- Parking across two spaces
- Adultery. Unless you’re absolutely sure no one will find out - and even then it’s not a great idea
- Hip Hop (Except genuine “old skool” rap with a valid social/political point - the work of Public Enemy, for example)
- Forcing beagles to smoke or to drive cars or to wear tutus
- Racism and homophobia.
Not Sinful
- Lust. In fact, it is recommended. One condition though, please conduct your lust with taste and dignity. Where possible employ a little romance and poetry rather than just drooling
- Taking My name in vain. Nor is it sinful to continue using the names of earlier, more fictitious deities as curse words. “Jesus H Christ” is a particular favourite of mine, as is “Christ on a bike!” as an exclamation of surprise or outrage
- Homosexuality. “Live and let love” will be one of My commandments. Even now I am omniscient, I still don’t understand why this was ever even an issue
- Criticism of religion
- Wearing ladies clothes. This is especially not sinful for ladies, but it’s fine for men too - just so long as they avoid crimplene, and select skirt lengths appropriate to how good (or otherwise) their legs are.
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