There IS A Vestige of Sentience
By God | September 9, 2008
I was starting to think that there was no mind left in the world. When “news”papers and “news” websites lead with items about Big Brother (not the political metaphor, but the fatuous “reality” TV show) or the latest episode in the Britney saga rather than any one of a hundred stories with genuine human interest and worldwide implication… well, I could surely be excused for thinking that all your minds had finally turned to shite.
That’s still my opinion of humanity en masse, but
this blog post has convinced me that I can’t just wipe you shallow, apathetic tossers off the face of the Earth with another flood, or a bombardment of thunderbolts without also eliminating the few thinking beings who remain.
This item courtesy of Car registrations
Read that post I linked to, consider how you see in your own lives hints of the trends to which the author refers. If you live in the USA or the UK it is certainly relevant to you.
For the moment the thunderbolts are going back into My holy rucksack. For the moment you may owe your continued existence to Mr Hedges who wrote that.
The Irony is that he is a divinity school graduate, but saner than many despite that.
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Hey, No Fair!
By Satan | September 2, 2008
I thought that was a bit much really, that post where God slagged me off for not posting a load of diabolical bluster. OK, so maybe I could have made a bit more of an effort (and it is sloth rather than apathy that keeps me quiet, so there), but to be honest He has me a bit disorientated.
He’s not exactly behaving in the way you’d expect of a deity, wouldn’t you agree? All this dismissing himself as superstition, and making fun of his own omnipotence… And that stuff about allowing blasphemy and homosexuality… I mean, it’s hardly fair, is it? It’s sort of like coming home and finding your dad wearing a dress. It makes you question your own role.
Some of the stuff God has been posting could be seen, by the traditionalist, as encouraging sin. I thought that was my job.
I’m grateful for the employment, I really am. I just wish he’d print me out a job description so I know where I stand. Once I get my bearings there’ll be no stopping me. I’ll go around encouraging evil, causing mayhem and posting temptation here in the Boss’s blog…
Yeah, once I get my bearings. Meanwhile, back to bed, I reckon.
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It Wasn’t Me!
By God | August 26, 2008
A news item in the Internet edition of the Jamaica Observer today ran a story that declared: “Jamaicans yesterday gave praise and thanks to God for the outstanding performances of the country’s athletes at the Beijing Olympics […]”.
Sod that. I had nothing to do with it.
If they want to give thanks then let them thank the athletes themselves. The men and women who sweated their behinds off to make their country proud of them. It wasn’t divine intervention that won medals in the Olympics, it was hard work, dedication and talent. Give the full credit to your sportspeople. Haven’t you ever seen the movie Cool Runnings? John Candy would be spinning (or at least slowly revolving in a portly manner) in his grave if he could hear this baloney.
The medal winners should also take care not to give credit for their performance to a character in a fairy tale. For My sake, in most respects I don’t even exist. How can you say I played a part in anything? These admirable achievers should be thanking their coaches and trainers - maybe buying them a few beers. Never mind all this nonsensical rolling of eyes towards heaven and expressing gratitude to thin air.
The astonishing feats that athletes perform are a demonstration of human strength, determination and indomitability of spirit. You people, whatever your nationality, did it. Not me.
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Silence Again… Nowt New There Then
By God | August 26, 2008
I have to say I’m a little disappointed by Old Nick’s cursory attitude to my invitation. I’ve given him months now to post something of substance, and he simply hasn’t bothered. I don’t know whether to put it down to apathy or that sloth that I warned you about a couple of posts back. In his case, I’d excuse the sloth - that’s a sin, and therefore he’d only be acting in character. Apathy though… I won’t stand for that.
He’s taken the job that gets the bad press. You’d think he’d be eager to justify himself and his role, wouldn’t you? You know, he could give it some of that “Without evil, good cannot exist. Positive requires negative. Good without evil? That’s like magnetic monopoles - something not found in nature…“. You know, some load of old philosophical flannel.
Nick, buck your ideas up, Sunshine. If you’re not up to the job I’ll give someone else the fallen angel gig. There are those who would positively jump at the chance to be evil in an official capacity. Maybe Dick Chaney? Or Thatcher? Yeah, she’s still alive, has first hand experience, and her credentials are impeccable.
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An Introduction
By Satan | October 16, 2007
Hi, I’m Satan… but you can call me by my nickname - Nick.
God invited me to join the party here. I don’t really see why - I mean, it’s not as if we exactly see eye-to-eye on most stuff. Still it would have been rude to turn down His invitation. He might be relatively new in the job, but He’s still in a position to make my existence (even more) uncomfortable if he chooses to do so. So, I’m gonna humour Him.
Anyway, that’s it for now. I just wanted to pop up and say “hi”.
I’ll be seeing you again soon.
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The Glory of Heaven
By God | August 17, 2007
Nah, not that baloney about angels and thrones and all that stuff. I want to talk to you about the real glory of heaven. Or of the heavens to be more accurate.
The universe is absolutely crammed full of the most incredible things you could imagine. I tell you, if I had created the universe it would have been a much duller place. I just wouldn’t have been able to think up all this quality shit.
Check this out. The pic has become known as “The Pillars of Creation”. Huge columns of gas and dust in the Eagle Nebula where new stars are being born.
And how about this one? The dots and smudges you see are not stars. They are galaxies. Each dot or smudge is an island universe of perhaps 100 billion or 200 billion stars, many like our sun.
Can you imagine that? Can you get your head around the scale of it all?
There’s no need to make up weird stuff. There’s plenty of it about in the real world if you look. Things to fill you with wonder and awe. Things to make your heart feel as if it could burst from the sheer joy and thrill of being alive and being a part of it all.
Who needs superstition?
Spend a few moments away from the porn sites and Myspace. Search for things like “hubble images” and “astronomy photographs”. Just have a look.
And no I won’t link for you. Get off your fat arses and search. Don’t forget that Sloth is still a sin - even under my enlightened rule.
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The Truth About the Bible
By God | August 17, 2007
I’ve been reading the blasted thing and there is a generous measure of absolute bullshit doing a fine job of obscuring what truth there is supposed to be in there.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a best-seller for no reason. It’s got loads going for it: orgies, debauchery, murder, rape, magic, demons, evil empires, brave warriors all sorts of fine stuff that certainly gives The Lord of the Rings a run for its money. It also makes great screenplay material for big-scale movies. Old Charlton Heston made his name in biblical epic movies, you know, back in the days when he was better known as an actor than a gun nut.
Yep, it is fine stuff. But the scary thing is that some people actually consider it to be a work of historical fact. Honest, I kid you not. Quality though it is, the Bible is clearly a load of old bollocks. As a historical document it is unreliable in the extreme. As biography it is tosh.
But it is as a manual of morality that it is really outrageously fecked up. The two parts, the Old and New Testaments, are basically the case notes for a schizophrenic god. The stuff is inconsistent. What was okay under the old blood-and-thunder regime of the OT is tutted at in the NT as politically incorrect and harsh, and things that are forgiven in the NT would have got offenders stoned to death in the old book.
And it is full of the most appalling nonsense. Stuff about having faith based on nothing more than being told you should. Stuff about killing in the name of God. About homosexuality being bad. About people who don’t share your religion being fair game as slaves and objects of sexual abuse.
For My sake, don’t let religious nutters of any denomination make your laws for you. Either take My commandments direct from Me or find someone rational who isn’t afflicted by xenophobia, homophobia or material vested interest who can formulate rational, universally fair and consensually acceptable laws.
It’s not that hard. Just keep the common sense ones and throw out the ones that are based on superstition and ignorance.
By all means, make great movie adaptations of the Bible. Knock yourselves out with expensive special effects and hammed-up acting performances. If you want to, you can even get pretentious and use Aramaic, Greek or Latin for the dialogue.
Just don’t take that ludicrous shit as anything but a fairy tale.
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Boo…
By God | August 16, 2007
See? It is never safe to assume that it is safe to assume that you are safe. I’m still around, oh ye of little faith.
Yeah, yeah. Unfair blah blah. Negligent blah blah. Irresponsible blah blah…
LOOK, the last guy in the job didn’t even have the professionalism to exist. And anyway, I’ve not been absent, just quiet. Yes I know it’s not the kind of behaviour that you were expecting, but it’s in the job description. I’m supposed to move in a mysterious way, I’ve mentioned that before. I’ve also mentioned that you little buggers are pretty good at the same kind of thing. Moving in a mysterious way, I mean.
Take the USA, for example. A country that would like to be seen as defender of the weak, champion of freedom and arbiter of world values. A benevolent superpower that wants only to lead everyone to a better way of life.
A country whose government still electrocutes, poisons, hangs and shoots its citizens to death. A country where, annually, dozens of people are coldly eliminated by some of the most bizarre processes imaginable. One of the processes that strikes even omniscient little Me as mysterious is the one that involves keeping a condemned person hanging around for years in a state of abject terror and confusion. Perhaps cruel uncertainty is part of the intended punishment. You know, “Ha, the bastard doesn’t know when we’re gonna kill him, and there’s that tease with the possible commuting of sentence to screw with his head too. Ha, that’ll learn ‘im”.
No, you subhuman, redneck morons. It will not “learn ‘im”. Nor will it deter other offenders.
A divine message for the Governors and law makers: “Thou Shalt Not Kill” means YOU too, you arrogant, sanctimonious, bastards.
[Thunderclap sound effect]
Darrell Grayson was a black man killed by the State of Alabama on 26th July 2007. His conviction was unsafe, and at the time of his execution there were very serious reasons for performing a DNA test (at no cost to the state) which had some chance of casting light on his guilt or innocence. The Governor and his lackeys were determined to kill Grayson. They refused to delay his execution for the DNA test, and thus they recklessly and irresponsibly put him to death. The people of Alabama who elect murderers to office share the blame for this.
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, you motherfuckers. Remember that one?
Mr Grayson’s name above is a link. Click it and read a little about him and the shameful circumstances of his death.
This is just an example. Alabama isn’t alone in its guilt. Nor is America.
Sort yourselves out, people. You may move in mysterious ways, a bit like Me, but there’s a big difference. The difference is, I ain’t going to tolerate some of the mystery in your ways.
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Silence
By God | February 27, 2007
Yes, I’ve been quiet again, haven’t I?
Makes you nervous when I do that, doesn’t it? Especially after that telling off I gave out in My last entry here… And, by the way, those questions I mentioned will still be coming… soon.
You shouldn’t be afraid of silence, you know. Not of Mine or, indeed, of silence in general.
Being omniscient, I see loads of great quotes - and I saw this one today:
“The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.” Charles Luckman
The same is true of most countries. People are incapable of enountering a nice peaceful sonic void. Fear compels them to fill it with empty noise.
Do chill out, people. Try peace and quiet for a while. Switch off your phones, your TVs and your gobs. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Here endeth today’s lesson.
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No Safety in Numbers
By God | January 31, 2007
I am an existentialist God, you know. Well, a kind of existentialist, absurdist god, really.
I believe that everyone is responsible for his/her actions and the consequences thereof. Oh, don’t get Me wrong, there can always be mitigation but, at the end of the day, we are all responsible.
One of the things that makes Me angriest is the human tendency to pass the buck: to squirm, and finger-point and blame. This trait is particularly highly developed in politicians, but most of humanity has a natural flair for it.
The world is in trouble, and we are, collectively, responsible. Humanity is a greedy child. It consumes more than is good for it or its environment, and thus grows and grows. As it grows, its appetite increases, so it just stuffs its fat face all the faster. Want to know what’s wrong with the world? There are too many people, people. Yes, that is what I said: there are just too damned many of you. Over six billion - that’s 6,000,000,000.
Corporations love populations. The more people there are, the more potential exists for new and growing markets. But it is all crap. Consumerism, capitalism and globalisation will be the death of you or your children or your children’s children and, so long as you do nothing about it, you are to blame.
Panicky governments are just now beginning to try to impose reluctant targets with a view to limiting the damage we do, but they will be fighting all the way against corporate and political self-interest. Just as pressure from the American coal mining unions contributed to earlier US government tendency to bury its head in the sand, UK airlines are fighting a war of disinformation and political arm-twisting to protect their corporate interests at the cost of our world and that of your grandchildren.
No, I will not step in. You must sort it out yourselves. My non-existent predecessor began his career as an interventionist god, and look what happened to him. To quote the late Douglas Adams, the old guy “vanished in a puff of logic”, leaving Me to pick up the pieces.
Your homework is to think about what I have said, and to consider what you can do to make a difference.
No shirking, either. When I think you’ve had little while to think, I will be asking questions. You’d better have some answers…
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