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Entirely Natural, But Still Miraculous!
By God | January 3, 2007
The thinkers among you will have rejected pretty much all things supernatural when you rejected God as per Professor Dawkins’ suggestion. It is, therefore, not surprising that I have heard embarrassed mumblings of concern at My announcement that I intend to begin performing miracles. This concern is, of course, understandable. What’s the point of dismissing one supernatural deity only to adopt another.
Let me reassure you that I am an entirely natural God. You’ll find no hocus pocus and mumbo jumbo here - no, sir. I am a genuine, natural, evolved living being: a proud end product of the Darwinian process. And, if I may say so, a stunning example of gorgeous evolutionary perfection. The God thing is just a job. I have to work for a living, like every other worthwhile being.
“What’s this?” you ask, “Pride? But surely pride is a sin…”
Now look here. I am in charge now and I make the rules. Pride is no longer a sin, but false modesty is. I am, therefore, setting you a perfect example by honestly declaring the magnificence of Me.
Let me explain a few changes I have made to the sin situation. Here are a couple of lists: the first is of things which are sinful, and the second is of things which were previously regarded as sinful by most pious people, but which are now absolutely fine.
Sinful
- Sloth - but only because it is bad for your health
- Greed
- Wrath. It is bad for your health and that of others. Chill out
- Conservatism/Republicanism/any tendency that takes you too far to the political right
- Parking across two spaces
- Adultery. Unless you’re absolutely sure no one will find out - and even then it’s not a great idea
- Hip Hop (Except genuine “old skool” rap with a valid social/political point - the work of Public Enemy, for example)
- Forcing beagles to smoke or to drive cars or to wear tutus
- Racism and homophobia.
Not Sinful
- Lust. In fact, it is recommended. One condition though, please conduct your lust with taste and dignity. Where possible employ a little romance and poetry rather than just drooling
- Taking My name in vain. Nor is it sinful to continue using the names of earlier, more fictitious deities as curse words. “Jesus H Christ” is a particular favourite of mine, as is “Christ on a bike!” as an exclamation of surprise or outrage
- Homosexuality. “Live and let love” will be one of My commandments. Even now I am omniscient, I still don’t understand why this was ever even an issue
- Criticism of religion
- Wearing ladies clothes. This is especially not sinful for ladies, but it’s fine for men too - just so long as they avoid crimplene, and select skirt lengths appropriate to how good (or otherwise) their legs are.
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