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Beware My Wrath
By God | January 4, 2007
*Sigh*…
It’s going to be quite a job you know. My non-existent predecessor left things in a terrible mess.
I do fully intend to be a God of love, but you ordinary mortals really do need to get your arses in gear. No way do I plan to repeat that Biblical nonsense of mass murder by flood, and all the other unethical, insane punishment policies, but don’t let My restraint fool you into thinking that I am anything less than omnipotent. Fire and brimstone may not be My style, but if you don’t shape up you’ll soon see how I can wreak devastation with the best of ‘em.
Just check out the following list, and then decide if you dare offend Me.
Divine punishments (a sample, not a comprehensive schedule):
- Baldness
- Impotence
- Failure of one’s favourite sportsperson/team
- Persistent car trouble
- Negative property equity
- Ineptitude at golf/squash/tennis (includes any and all competitive sports)
- Public embarrasment (involuntary trouser droppage/skirt tucked into panties etc)
- Free tickets to a Bernard Manning performance
Remain calm. I know these will come as a shock, but it is within your power to avoid such divine retribution.
“What motivated this angry outburst?” I hear you ask. Look, stop denying it. I HEARD you, ok? I really did, so there’s no point acting all surprised and insisting “I never asked that,” because we both know you did, don’t we? All right. Now stop crying and blow your nose. No, not you… YOU. Yes you. Ok, that’s better. Now, where was I?
Ah, yes. What made me grumpy today… Well it wasn’t anything that actually happened today, it was that business with Mr Saddam Hussein several days ago. He was a dreadful fellow - absolutely awful. Certainly not someone you would have a beer with, or invite to a party. A very nasty man, who deserved to be punished.
That said, EVERYTHING about the way he was dealt with was wrong. Wrong to the point of being offensive, inexcusable and evil.
For a start, the Iraqi government squandered a splendid opportunity to contrast and distance itself from the brutal years of Saddam’s rule by holding back from extracting crude revenge. Murder by the state was Saddam’s trade mark. How sad that the new regime chose not to re-brand. Rather than take the bold, free thinking step of imprisoning Saddam, thus denying him martyrdom, the Iraqi government wimped-out. There was a good deal of President Bush’s influence (subtly and indirectly applied) involved in the murder of Saddam. Bush had a very personal and vindictive vendetta going on, and any penalty but death would have incurred his severe anger. There was also the even more powerful influence of Saddam’s Shia opponents who demanded vengeance.
So, yet another violent death in a region famous for it. A chance for progress thrown away. A brutal, savage, uncivilised image reinforced.
That’s bad enough, but the manner in which the murder was conducted was obscene. The victim was taunted, and his demise filmed by both official and unofficial cameramen. The official footage was blatantly edited to give the deliberate false impression of a dignified and efficient process. Crucially, sound was removed. The unofficial footage, no doubt filmed for less than honorable reasons, gave the true story.
Once again, one would surely think that bad enough. But the aftermath has been equally nauseating. Reporting of the Iraqi government’s investigation indicates that they have been more concerned with finding the person who embarrassed them by filming and broadcasting a true version of events than with addressing the actual nature of the disgusting debacle itself.
And the spineless reaction from the international community has also been depressingly, predictably sickening. The British prime minister and government failed to condemn the farce, as did the Americans - unsurprisingly.
The only British political figure of note to speak out and describe the situation as “deplorable” was the UK’s self-parodying deputy prime minister, John Prescott. Prescott is a bumbling thug of dazzling magnitude. The man is an oaf, a buffoon, but apparently he is, simultaneously, the only member of the government with the courage to make a straight, honest comment. Instead of agreeing with him, the government dismissed his words as being merely “Mr Prescott’s personal opinion”, and not the UK government’s official position on the matter.
I know I move in mysterious ways, but you people are giving Me a run for My money, and not always in a good way.
Yes. A long sermon, wasn’t it?
One way or another, though, this kind of nonsense will stop. Be warned.
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